Waiting Room Doctor Jokes Jokes2go
113 A man whilst out walking had unfortunately fallen into a sewer and although he couldn't swim was seen to be going through the motions 114 Why do wo traditionally get married in white? So that they match the rest of the kitchen appliances 115 There was a young man named Racine Who invented a fucking machine Concave and convex It could fit either sex With attachts for those in between 116 I be a farmer my name is Bob and I'm widely renowned for the size of my knob It's too big for wo it just makes them weep but it's just right for me cows but a bit tight for me sheep 117 A Scotsman was walking through the centre of Glasgow with a wellington boot on his willy He was approached by a police officer who asked him what he was doing "Nothing much just fuckin' a boot officer." 78 A father and his son go into the chemists when they happen upon the condom display The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms to which the father replies "Well you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in secondary school You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father "What's the 6-pack for?" The father replies "Well that's for when you're in college You have 2 for Friday night 2 for Saturday night and 2 for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for The father replies "Well that's for when you're married You have one for January one for February one for March " 79 Why do the Welsh prefer to shag sheep on cliff tops? So the sheep push back harder. 64 One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit on the ground One of the boys said "What is that?" "They're smart pills." said the other boy "Eat them and they'll make you smarter." So he ate some of them and said "These pills taste like shit." "See?" said the other boy "you're already getting smarter."
87 Little Johnny came running into the house and asked "Mummy can little girls have babies?" "No." said his mum "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mum heard him yell to his friends "It's okay we can play that game again!" 88 A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed the male hormone testosterone for her She was a little worried some of the side effects she was experiencing "Doctor the hormones you've been giving me have really helped but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much I've started growing excess body hair." The doctor reassured her "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone Just where has this hair appeared?" "Well it's on my testicles which is something else I wanted to talk. 151 A man went into a shop and asked for a tube of KY jelly "I'm sorry sir," replied the assistant "we don't sell that here I suggest you try Boots." To which the man replied "Boots? I want to slide in not bloody march in!!" 152 A man went to the doctor and said "I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctor looked at him over the top of his glasses then said "OK drop your pants bend over and I'll take a look" The man's anus was indeed greatly enlarged and rather sore looking too "What on earth has happened to make your ass as big as that?" said the doctor to which the man replied "I've been shagged by an elephant." "Yes but an elephant's penis is long and thin and this hole is enormous." "Ah yes," replied the man "but he fingered. Joke 44 What did the say to the computer?…This won’t hurt a byte Joke 45 What did the tooth say to the departing ?…Fill me in when you get back Joke 46 Anyone know the six most frightening words in the world ??? “The will see you now.” Joke 47 Open wider requested the as he began his examination of the patient “Good God !” he said startled “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.” “OK Doc !” replied the patient “I m scared enough without you saying something like that twice.” “I didn’t !” said the “That was. 47 There was this old couple that had been married a long time Being of advanced years they hadn't had sex in a while so the wife decides to go out and buy some crotch-less underwear She goes home puts them on and goes downstairs where her husband is watching TV She tries to get his attention but all he's interested in is the sports channel Finally she goes and sits on the floor in front of him with her legs wide open saying "Do you want some of this?" The husband looks at her in horror and replies "Bloody hell no look what it's done to your underwear!" 48 What do puppies and gynaecologists have in common?. 159 A bloke walked into a pub the other day with a fried egg on his head "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?" asked the barman "Because a fucking boiled one keeps rolling off." he replied 160 A woman goes to her boss and says "I want to complain Perkins Every day he walks straight up to me buries his nose in my hair sniffs deeply and says 'you smell wonderful' " Her boss says "That sounds like a complit - whats the problem?" "But he's only three. 4 A young girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex Mum on top After surveying the scene for a mot or two she asks what they are doing "I was just letting some of the air out of Dad because he's too fat," said Mum The girl replies "What's the point? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does." 5 Why are camels also known as 'Ships Of The Desert'? Because they're full of Arab sea 6 A nun met a Scotsman one day and as he was sporting a kilt curiosity got the better of her and she asked him what was under it "You'd better have a feel for yourself" he tells her so she went ahead and delved in "Ugghh!!" she said "It's gruesome!" "Aye lass," he replied happily "It just grew. Joke 26 I thought Miss Smith that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your ? That’s right Sir So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend? That was my Joke 27 At what time do most people go to the ? At tooth-hurty (2:30) Joke 28 What did the say to the golfer? “You have a hole in one ” Joke 29 Why does a seem moody? Because he always looks down in the mouth Joke 30 Why do s like potatoes? Because they are so filling Joke 31 What is a drill team? A group of s who work together Joke 32 Why do people dislike going to the ? Because he is boring Joke 33 What is a ’s office? A filling station Joke 34 What do you call the Scottish ? Phil McCavity ! 85 This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartt when he spots this gorgeous girl sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen He watches her for 3 days and can't stand it any longer He sends down a note on a piece of string: "If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10." 86 Bloke: "Would you let me shag you for a million pounds?" Girl: "Yes." Bloke: "Could I shag you for a fiver?" Girl: "No! What the heck do you take me for?" Bloke: "I've already worked that one out I'm just figuring out. 129 A woman was standing in a crowded lift in a hotel when a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the left tit The man said "I'm terribly sorry that but if your heart is as soft as your tit you'll forgive me." To which the woman replied "If you dick is as big and hard as your elbow then I'm staying in 87." 130 Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow? "I live in a flat you stupid twat so how the fuck would I know!" 131 There was a young actress from Crewe Who remarked as the vicar withdrew "The Bishop was quicker and thicker and slicker and two inches longer. Joke 51 : There goes the only woman I ever loved Assistant: Why don’t you marry her? : I can’t afford to She’s my best patient Joke 52 : Just let me finish and you will be another man after these cosmetic procedures Patient: Okay doc but don’t forget to send your bill to the other man Joke 53 to parsimonious patient “No we give no discount for empty spaces when cleaning and polishing teeth Mrs Borde!” Joke 54 Young Charlie to ’s sexy chariside assistant “Aha ! Are you the lady orthodontist ?” The lady replied “No but I ll straighten anyone’s teeth ” Joke 55 Young lady to father “Daddy when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor ” “” “Why father ?” “We have only one heart but. 132 A man was waking along the seafront when he discovered an ice cream shop advertising that it could supply any flavour of ice cream imaginable The man decided to test this rather silly sounding claim and asked for some fanny-flavoured ice cream in a cone The assistant dutifully presented him with a cone of rather nice looking ice cream and the man took it and gave it a good long lick Spitting it out he said "This doesn't taste like fanny it tastes like shit!" The assistant replied "Of course it's going to taste like shit if you take such long licks!" 133 I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf "No," he said "the steaks are. 50 There once was a man from Brighton who said to his girl "You're a tight one." She said "Pardon my soul But you're in the wrong hole There's plenty of in the right one." 51 How do you confuse an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it. 8 Two repair were walking along examining the railway track chatting casually "I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them "a great girl she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine Gagging for it she was The best sex I've had in years!" "Well," said the other she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose." "Dunno," said the first "I couldn't find. 118 Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed whilst Little Bo Peep was giving him head As soon as he came she started to weep 'cos then he went off and shagged all her sheep 119 Based on statistics the most common sexual position amongst married couples is Doggy Style This is where the husband sits and begs whilst the wife rolls over and plays dead 120 There was a young girl from Kilkenny whose usual charge was a penny For half of that sum You could roger her bum; A source of amuset. 155 How can you tell if your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes pile up 156 A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex Afterwards she said "You must be And a rather good one." He replied "How did you know I'm a ?" She said "I didn't feel a thing." 157 What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist? A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynaecologist looks up the family bush 158 The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence Little Johnny replies "Teacher do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says,"Of course not Johnny." Johnny replies "Then I have definitely shit myself." 76 After getting out of the shower a middle-aged woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small Instead of telling her it's not so as he had done for many years previously he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion "If you want your breasts to grow try this Every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything the wife gets some toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts "How long will this take?" she asks "The effects aren't immediate," he replies "but they'll grow larger over a longish period of time." The wife pauses and says "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger?" The husband replies "Worked for your ass didn't it?" 104 Two Eskimos were out fishing in their boat but were finding it a little cold so they decided to light a fire to warm themselves Unfortunately the fire burned through the hull causing the craft to sink proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it 105 An ice cream man was found dead in his van covered from head to toe in Hundreds and Thousands Police are saying he topped himself 106 A man went to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of the top of his head "Hang on," said the doctor "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 107 A man took his Rottweiler to the vet The vet picked up the dog and proceeded to give the dog a thorough examination looking carefully into the dog's ears mouth and eyes "I'm sorry," said the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why??" said the mystified owner "Because he's really heavy." Joke 1 A after completing work on a patient came to him begging : Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor it wasn’t all that bad this time : There are so many people in the right now and I don’t want to miss the four o clock ball game Joke 2 A patient came to his with problems with his teeth Patient: Doctor I have yellow teeth what do I do? : Wear a brown tie! Joke 3 : I have to pull the aching tooth but don’t worry it will take just five minutes Patient: And how much will it cost? : It’s $ Patient: $ for just a few minutes work??? : I can extract it very slowly if. 77 A lawyer is standing in a long queue at the box office Suddenly he feels a pair of hands massaging his shoulders back and neck The lawyer turns around and says "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm in line." "Well I'm a lawyer but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me. Joke 10 Why did the make a poor date with the manicurist? Because they fought both tooth and nail! Joke 11 How many s does it take to change a light bulb? Three One to administer the anaesthetic one to extract the light bulb and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash Joke 12 What did the werewolf eat after he d had his teeth taken out? The Joke 13 Monster: Doctor doctor I m a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors Doctor: Oh what a shame I m a Joke 14 Fred’s mother was on the telephone to the boy’s “I don’t understand it,” she complained “I thought his treatt would only cost me $20 but you’ve charged me $80.” “It is usually $20 ma am,” agreed the “but Fred yelled so loudly that three of my other patients. 19 Two are approaching each other on a pavet in America Both are dragging their right foot as they walk As they meet one man looks at the other knowingly points at his foot and says "Vietnam 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says "Dog shit 20 feet back." 20 There was a young man from Nantucket Who's cock was so long he could suck it He said with great glee as it hung past his knee "If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it." 21 What's the best thing a blow job from an Ethiopian? You know she'll swallow 22 A young girl swallowed a pin when she was eleven and never felt a prick until she turned eighteen 23 What do model electric trains and wo's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the who seem to play with them. 10 There was a young lady from Moreton who had one long tit and one short one On top of all that a great hairy twat and a fart like an eight-fifty Norton 11 What advantages do a cucumber and a beer have over a man? The beer comes in a can not in your mouth and a cucumber can stay hard for weeks 12 How many does it take to open a can of beer? None it should be open by the time she brings it to. 82 A chicken and an egg are lying in bed The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated The egg mutters to no one in particular "Well I guess that answers that question!" 83 When I was young I had no sense and stuck my dick on an electric fence It curled my hairs it tickled my balls And it made me shit in my overalls 84 A couple had just bought a new house The husband turned to his wife and asked her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him She kindly agreed and left When she got to the hardware store she found the hinge she wanted and put it on the counter in front of the clerk He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it so he asked her "Do you want a screw for that hinge?" She looked back at him and said "No but I'll give you a blow job for that toaster in the window." 164 An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get talking They are enjoying their conversation so much that when the bar closes they decide to continue at the woman's apartt After a time things start getting romantic and they end up in bed Afterwards they're both laying there staring at the ceiling The old man is thinking "Oh dear if I had known she was a virgin I would have been more careful with her." The old lady is thinking "Blimey if I had known he could get a stiffy I would have taken off my underwear." 165 It seems that most are in favour of the full-face veil as worn by Muslim wo; It solves once and for all the ancient problem of where to wipe your cock after a blow-job I’ve got an appointt at 2:30 Get it. 74 A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet The man asks "Why are you doing that? I mean at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says "And the Viagra?" "Stops him from falling out. 92 Why don't witches wear underwear? So they can get a better grip on their bsticks. Joke 48 While I was to see the a woman came out of his inner office smiling Nodding to me she said “Thank goodness my work is completed I m so glad to have found a painless and one Who’s so gentle and understanding too.” When seated in the chair I related the incident to the doctor He laughed and explained “Oh that was just my Mother.” Joke 49 I came in to make an appointt with the said the man to the receptionist.” “I m sorry sir.” she replied “He’s out right now but…” “Thank you.” interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient “When will he be out again ?” Joke 50 Patient: Doctor I am very nervous You know this is my first extraction Young : Don’t worry it’s my first extraction too. 65 Two guys got arrested for smoking dope and were due to appear in court the following Friday In court the judge says "If you can persuade more than 5 people to stop doing drugs you won't be sent to jail." Two readily agree to try this so the judge tells them to come back on Monday morning to report on their efforts The two guys come back on Monday as requested and the judge asks how they did "I persuaded 17 people to get off drugs." says the first guy "That's a good result How did you manage that?" asks the judge "I drew 2 circles." replied the first man "I told them that the large circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's nothing!" said the second man "I persuaded 156 people to get off drugs." "That's most impressive." said the judge "How did you achieve that?" "Well I drew 2 circles too But I told them the small circle is your asshole before prison and the big circle " 123 A man sat down in a cafe and asked for a bowl of tomato soup The waiter informed him "The gentleman next to you got the last bowl and there's none left I'm terribly sorry sir." Feeling a little annoyed he settled for a cup of coffee instead but glancing around he noticed the other chap had finished his meal but had left most of the soup "Are you going to eat that?" He asked to which the other guy said "No You can have it if you want." The first man gratefully took it and started to eat it When he got half way through it he saw the remains of a partly decomposed dead rat laying in the bottom which caused him to promptly vomit the soup he'd eaten back into the bowl "Ha!" Said the other guy "That's as far as I. Joke 60 Gerald: “Have you ever come across a man who at the slightest touch caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?” Mabel: “Yes the ” Joke 61 believe that the members of the dental profession are the only who can tell a wo to open or close her mouth and get away with it Joke 62 Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly? Dentis: “Not always the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist Joke 63 Papa why is it that s call their offices dental parlors?” “Because they are drawing-s my son.” Joke 64 Pardon me for a mot please,” said the to the victim “but before beginning this work I must have my drill.” “Good heavens man!” exclaimed the patient irritably “Can’t you pull a tooth without a rehearsal?” Website - Really Funny 146 A man was in a pub when he had to use the toilet He was in there for a while and much yelling could be heard so the barmaid reluctantly went to check on him "Sir what are you yelling ? You're scaring the customers." He replied "Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my bollocks!" "Sir I suggest you get off the mop bucket." 147 A policeman drove up lovers' lane and saw a car there He walked up to the car and saw a girl in the back knitting and a boy in the front reading a book The policeman asked the boy how old he was and what he was doing there The boy answered "I'm reading a book and I'm 25." Then the cop asked him what the girl was doing and how old she was The boy replies "She's knitting and she'll be 16 in five minutes." 142 A man had a habit of letting an enormous fart rip every morning in bed when he first awoke His wife had put up with this behaviour for many years but was finally driven to say "Bloody hell John if you keep doing that one day your guts will come out as well!" The husband laughed at the idea so that day the wife got hold of some raw kidney and liver and in the evening put the offal in the husband's pants with the idea that in the morning it would frighten him enough to make him change his habits He woke up the next morning farted as usual and went across the hall to the bath Two long hours later he came out and said "Dear you were right me farting my guts out but I've managed to get them all. 53 What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhoea chancing a fart! 54 Why did God give wo belly buttons? So there's somewhere to stick your chewing gum on the. 166 A beautiful girl went to a gynaecologist The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window He immediately told her to undress After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh He asked her "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes,"she replied "You're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor He then began to fondle her breasts "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," the woman said "You're checking for any lumps or possible malignancies." "Correct." replied the doctor Finally he mounted his patient and started humping her He asked "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said "You're getting herpes which is why I came here in the. 153 A young lady was standing outside the gates of Heaven but was a little disturbed by the horrific screams of pain and agony coming from within So she turned to St Peter and asked what was going on He replied that it was the sound of new angels getting large holes drilled in their backs to enable their wings to be fitted and small holes being drilled in their heads for their halos She said to St Peter "Heaven sounds terrible I think perhaps I'd rather go to Hell." Rather taken aback St Peter replied "But in Hell you'll be constantly raped and sodomized for ever!" "Yes," she said "but at least I've already got holes for that." 154 A young bull and his father were out for a stroll when they passed a field full of cows "Dad how if we sneak in there and shag one or two of those cows?" "Don't be ridiculous son." said the father "Let's go in and shag. 71 At a news conference a journalist said to the politician "Your secretary has said publicly that you have a small penis Would you care to comt on this?" "The truth is," replied the politician "that she has a very big mouth." 72 A lady runs into her doctor's surgery screaming She yells "Doctor Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?" The doctor asks "Well how bad is it? How far does the hair extend?" The lady replies "From here all the way down to. Robin Williams said this on The Family is really funny! (not sarcastic) 138 A man was driving down a quiet country lane when suddenly a rooster jumped out of the hedge There was no way the driver could avoid hitting the bird and it disappeared under the car in a puff of feathers Shaken the man pulled over at the farmhouse rang the door bell and a farmer appeared The man somewhat nervously said "I've just killed your rooster so please allow me to replace him" "Suit yourself," said the farmer "You'll find the hens around the back." 139 An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on The punk's hair is dyed green red yellow and orange and he has feather earrings in his ears When he sees the old man staring at him the punk asks "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" The old guy replies "Yeah I screwed a parrot once and for a mot there I thought you might have been. 124 A rooster and a cat were crossing a bridge when the cat suddenly lost its footing and fell into the river It managed to fight its way to the bank cold wet and angry and looks up to see the rooster helpless with laughter rolling on the ground and holding its sides So what's the moral of this story? A wet pussy makes for a happy cock! 125 There once was a Bishop from Birmingham Who buggered young boys while confirming 'em As they knelt before god He extended his rod And pumped the episcopal sperm in 'em 126 There was a young vampire called Mable whose periods were always quite stable at every full moon she would take out a spoon and drink herself under. 134 There was a young plumber from Leigh who was plumbing his girl with great glee She said "Stop your plumbing I think someone's coming!" Said the plumber still plumbing "It's me"! 135 Why do hippos mate in the water? Have you ever tried to keep a fanny that big moist? 136 Five were sitting around the table at a restaurant bragging who had the largest dick Finally one guy said "I'll settle this Let's all put our dicks on the table that will decide it." At that time two queers walked in and were seated The waiter asked them "would you gentleman like to see a u?" The queers responded "Oh!!! no no we'll just have the buffet!" 137 There was a young man from Montrose who wanked a lot under the bedclothes Whilst making his bed his landlady said "He's a bugger for blowing. 143 A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers As he did she started to gently caress his full beard "Are you the manager?" she asked softly stroking his face with both hands "Actually no," he replied "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say "Tell him," she whispered "that there is no toilet paper hand soap or paper towels in the ladies " 55 A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time and had been invited to dinner After dinner his girlfriend and her mother left the to do the dishes leaving him with the father and the dog Rover who was sitting underneath the boy's chair Unfortunately it had been a large dinner and the boy really had to fart He stealthily let out a quiet but audible fart "Rover! Get out!" the father yelled "This is great!" the boy thought "He thinks it's the dog farting!" So he let out another one somewhat louder than the first "Rover! Get out from under that chair!" the father barked The boy was feeling more confident now that the dog was clearly getting the blame so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart "Rover! For god's sake get out from under that chair before the boy shits. 59 A man enters a barber shop for a shave While the barber is foaming him up he tions the difficulty he has getting a close shave around the cheeks "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer "Just place this inside your mouth between your cheek and gums." The client places the ball in his mouth as instructed and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I should swallow the ball by accident?" "No problem," says the barber "Just bring it back ne next day like everyone else does!" 60 On the bridge sat the Bishop of Buckingham thinking of twats and of sucking 'em And watching the stunts Of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em. Latest 50 Comt Discussions 3 A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly He looked up from the page and said to her "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully smiled and replied "Oh yes? Prove it." He frowned for a mot then said "Okay." He then got up and walked out leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. a half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't but the way that pig was squealing I couldn't. 121 A certain couple had only been married for about two years but the man felt the initial spark was no longer in their sex life He mentioned the problem to his mate down the pub who suggested a bit of experimentation in the bedroom in order to try to spice things up a little This sounded like a good idea and one night while he was seducing his wife he quietly whispered in her ear "darling would you mind if I put it in the other hole tonight?" To which she replied "you'd better not we can't afford to have kids yet " 122 Financially things were getting a bit tight and the husband was being nagged once again by his wife: "If you helped out more around the home," she said "we would be able to get rid of the au pair." To which he replied "Yes but if you would take it up the ass we'd be able to get rid of. Joke 4 I came in to make an appointt with the said the man to the receptionist “I m sorry sir.” she replied “He’s out right now but…” “Thank you,” interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient “When will he be out again ?” Joke 5 A husband and wife entered the ’s office The husband said “I want a tooth pulled I don’t want gas or Novocain because I m in a terrible hurry Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You re a brave man,” said the “Now show me which tooth it is.” The husband turns to his wife and says “Open your mouth and show the which tooth it. 148 An Irishman managed to get a job as a lighthouse keeper A couple of days after starting the job he woke in the morning to witness a scene of utter disaster with at least three ships having run aground and in the process of breaking up on the rocks His boss quickly arrived and asked what the heck was going on to which he replied "Sorry but I couldn't sleep with the light on." 149 Police arrested two youths the other day one was caught drinking battery acid and the other was caught eating fireworks They charged one and let the other one off 150 A young man with passions quite gingery tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie He slapped her behind and made up his mind To add incest to insult and injury. Joke 22 Patient: Doc what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth? : Don’t smile in a bad neighborhood Joke 23 Patient: Hey that tooth you pulled wasn’t the one I wanted pulled : Relax I m coming to it Joke 24 Father: Don’t you feel better now that you’ve gone to the ? Son: Sure do He wasn’t in Joke 25 Cloyd went to a Charleston complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out After examining him the said “Your mouth is really bad Do you brush?” “Ah sure do!” replied Cloyd “Everee single day!” “What do you brush with?” asked the “Preparation H,” said the redneck. Joke 15 Nigel: You said the school would be painless but he wasn t Teacher: Did he hurt you? Nigel: No but he screamed when I bit his finger Joke 16 Why are you laughing? My just pulled one of my teeth out I don’t see much to laugh in that But it was the wrong one! Joke 17 As the judge said to the : Do you swear to pull the tooth the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth? Joke 18 Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a ’s window? Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public Joke 19 Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula’s Joke 20 I m suffering from bad breath You should do something it! I did I just sent my wife to the Joke 21 : Don’t worry I m painless Patient: I. 27 What are the three words hate to hear during sex? "Have you finished?" 28 What are the three words wo hate to hear during sex? "Honey I'm home!" 29 What do you call a woman who is paralysed from the waist down? Married 30 There once was a young man from Kent whose dick was so long that it bent To save himself trouble he put it in double and instead of coming he went 31 Why were given larger brains than dogs? So they don't hump female legs at cocktail parties 32 What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks 33 What's the best thing a blow job? Ten minutes of silence 34 Did you hear the new "morning after" pill for ? It changes their. 167 Saturday morning I got up very early quietly got dressed made my lunch grabbed the dog and slipped quietly out into the garage I hooked the boat up to the truck and started to back out into a torrential downpour The wind was blowing at 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day I went back into the house quietly undressed and slipped back into bed I cuddled up to my wife's back now with a different anticipation and whispered "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied,"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" BACK TO TOP. 140 A lady while dining at Crewe found an elephant's dick in her stew Said the waiter "Don't shout Or wave it Or the others will all want one too!" 141 Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after eating. "brace Yourself!!" 1 A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby "Look at the size of his todger," says the man "It's massive!" "Yes dear," says the woman "But at least he's got your ears." 2 There once was a man from St Clair who was screwing his wife on the stair The banister broke so he quickened his stroke and finished her off in mid-air.
17 A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man The husband grabbed the offending man by his nob and dragged him to the garage After putting his dick into a vice and removing the bar so it couldn't be loosened he walked over to the shelf and took down a saw The naked man said "My god you're not going to cut it off are you?" The husband replied "Oh no sir the saw is for you I'm going to set fire to the garage and leave What you do next is your decision." 18 A woman walked into the ladies' and saw a man standing up using the toilet Shocked she exclaimed "Excuse me but this is for wo !" "So's this!" he replied. 37 What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone a bitch will have sex with anyone but you 38 Why was the penis feeling so depressed? His best friends were two nuts who lived next to an asshole 39 A man was constipated so he decided to go to the doctor The doctor examined him and explained "I'm going to give you some suppositories I'll insert one now and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository She agrees reluctantly puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository Suddenly her husband shrieks "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks "No I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
Joke 65 What to do you call an old ? A bit long in. 15 There was a young man from Aberystwyth who said to the girl he'd just kissed with "That hole in your crotch is for fucking and such and not just a gadget to piss with." 16 A couple gets married Forty years later they're in the same hotel they spent their honeymoon in She takes off her clothes lies down on the bed spreads her legs and he starts to cry She says "What's the matter?" He says "Forty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it and now it looks like it can't wait to. 13 One day a man walked into a 's surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth "Forty quid," the said "That's a ridiculous amount," the man said "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the said "if you don't use an anaesthetic I can knock the price down to 30 pounds." Looking annoyed the man said "That's still far too expensive!" "Okay," said the "If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers I can knock the price down to 10 pounds." "Nope," moaned the man "it's still too much." "Well," said the finally scratching his head "if I let one of my students do it using pliers I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver." "Marvelous!" said the man "Book my wife in for next Tuesday!" 14 How do you make three pounds of fat look attractive? Put a nipple. 69 Once there were two farmers One had a young daughter and the other had a young son As they lived in neighbouring farms they encouraged their children to play with each other One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children playing with each other anymore The boy's father asked "Why not?" The other farmer said "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow The boy's father said "Oh come on that's just boy's stuff I'm sure it was just innocent fun." The other farmer said "I don't think you understand That's my daughter's handwriting." 70 While once with the Duchess at tea She asked "Do you burp when you pee?" I said (with some wit) "Do you fart when you shit?" And thought "That's one up. 62 A man goes to his doctor and says "Doctor Doctor please help me! I've got a problem." The doctor examines the man and finds that he has a red ring around his penis The doctor gives him an ointt to rub into the problem area "It's all cleared up!" the man reports when he returns "But what was that medication you gave me?" "Lipstick remover." replied the doctor 63 A guy is walking along the beach when he meets a girl with no legs crying "Why are you crying?" he asks "I've never been hugged," she says The guy hugs her but she continues crying "Why are you crying now?" he asks "I've never been kissed," she says The guy kisses her but she continues crying "What's the problem this time?" he asks getting a little impatient "I've never been screwed," she says whereby the guy promptly picks her up and throws her into the water "There," he says "Now you're screwed." 24 Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions 25 What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're a teenager 26 A guy says to his wife "I'm in the mood for a 69er." She says "It's that time of the month but if you don't care I don't care." They go into the bed and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings so she tells him to answer the door "But my face is a mess! I can't go to the door like this!" he says She says "It's just the postman Answer the door and if he says anything just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." So he opens the door and says "I'm sorry my mouth I was eating a jam sandwich." The postman says "I wasn't looking at the jam around your mouth I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead." 162 Two law partners hired a new cute young secretary and a contest arose between them as to who can bed her first even though they were both already married Eventually one of them scored with her and his partner was naturally quite eager to hear how things went "So what did you think of her?" he asked "Ahh," replied the first lawyer "my wife is better." Some time went by and then the second lawyer managed to bed the secretary "So," asked the first guy "what did you think?" The second guy replied "Yep; You. 96 A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing with his brother in the bed "What the hell do you think you are doing?!" the man asks "I'm riding a bus," his brother replies "That's a stupid thing to say!" "It's a bloody stupid thing to ask!" 97 There was this guy who worked at a pickle factory One day he came home and handed his wife 50 quid She asked him where he got it so he told her that he had won it in a bet because the guys at the factory had bet him 50 pounds that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer The wife was horrified and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact He unzipped his trousers and flopped it out for her to examine and it was indeed all there quite unharmed "But what the pickle slicer?" asked the wife perplexed "Oh I think she quite enjoyed it!" Joke 35 What do you call a in the army ? A drill sergeant ! Joke 36 What time is it when you have to go to the ? Tooth Hurty ! Joke 37 Did you hear the who planted a garden?… A month later he was picking his teeth Joke 38 What game did the play when she was a child?…Caps and robbers Joke 39 What does a do on a roller coaster?…He braces himself Joke 40 What did the see at the North Pole?…A molar bear Joke 41 What was the doing in Panama?…Looking for the Root Canal Joke 42 Where does the get his gas?…At the filling station Joke 43 Why didn’t the ask his secretary out?…He was already taking out. Joke 66 A man went to his because he feels something wrong in his mouth The examines him and says “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding What have you been eating?” The man replies “all I can think of is that four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious … Hollandaise sauce I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat toast fish vegetables everything.” “Well,” says the “that’s probably the problem Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice which is highly corrosive It’s eaten away your upper plate I ll make you a new plate and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient To which the replies “It’s simple Everyone knows that … there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!” 40 There once was a hermit named Dave who found a dead whore in a cave She was missing a tit and she stunk a bit but think of the money he'd save 41 What's the ultimate rejection? When you're having a wank and your hand falls asleep 42 What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather Kinky is using the whole chicken 43 How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one but it takes the entire Accident & Emergency crew to get it out 44 Why is being in the Army like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge the better you feel 45 What has little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine 46 What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? We're closed -. Joke 67 : “You don’t need to open your mouth any wider When I pull your tooth I expect to stand outside.” Joke 68 Did you get your money? ask the wife of the who had just return from the delinquent patient’s home “Not a cent,” growled the “and worse than that he insulted me and gnashed my teeth. 127 A woman was feeling really horny and wanted her husband to slip her a portion The trouble was he didn't feel like it and just wanted to read But as he was reading every so often he would reach over and rub her fanny After a while she said "If you don't want a shag will you stop teasing me?" "I'm not teasing you," he replied "I'm just wetting my fingers so I can turn the page." 128 Have you heard the latest sex position? It's known as 'Rodeo' All you do is slip your lady a portion from behind and leaning forward you whisper quietly in her ear: "Your sister's a better shag than you!" Then you try to hang on for the full eight seconds! 144 Taff pulled over by the side of the road to show John where he'd first had sex "It was right down there under that tree," he said "I remember the day as if it were yesterday It was a lovely summer's evening and she and I were so much in love We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Taff recalled "That sounds wonderful," said John "Yes It was until I looked up and happened to see her mother standing right there watching us." "Bloody hell! What did her mother say when she saw you shagging her daughter?" "Baaaaa " 145 There was an old man of Duluth whose cock was shot off in his youth He fucked with his nose and his fingers and toes and he came through a hole in. 35 What does Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture. 75 A beautiful woman loved gardening but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes The woman asked the gentleman "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentle responded "Well twice a day I stand in front of my tomato plants and flop my willy out and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed she decided to try the same idea with her tomato garden to see if it would work So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her muff and tits to her garden hoping for the best One day the gentle was passing by and asked the woman "By the way how did things go? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied "but my cucumbers are enormous." 98 A guy walked into the psychiatrist's wearing only some cling film wrapped around his hips "Well sir," said the shrink "I can clearly see you're nuts " 99 Did you hear the man who went to buy some camouflage trousers? He couldn't find any 100 A kinky young girl from Coleshill tried a dynamite stick for a thrill They found her vagina in North Carolina and bits of her tits in Brazil 101 Did you hear the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He was pulled under by a strong currant 102 A man awoke frightened in hospital after a serious accident and started calling out to the doctor "Doctor Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" "I'm not surprised," said the doctor "I've cut your arms off." 103 I was invited to a seafood disco the other day and managed to pull a mussel. 61 There once was a lady who was fed up with the unreliable and violent she'd had relationships with so she put an advert in the local paper requesting the following: 1 A man who would treat her nicely 2 A man who wouldn't run away from her 3 A man who would be good in bed One day she heard the doorbell ring She answered it and there on the doorstep was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs "I'm here the ad you put in the paper As you can see I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." "Yes but are you good in bed?" she said "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" Joke 6 begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doc it isn’t all that bad this time : There are so many people in the right now and I don’t want to miss the 4 o clock ball game Joke 7 Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.” : “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.” Joke 8 I am sorry madam but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy”s tooth “Hundred dollars! Why I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!” “Yes,” replied the “but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office.” Joke 9 What does the of the year get?…A little plaque. 94 There was this man sunbathing on a beach naked A young girl came along and pointed to his willy and asked "What is that?" To which he replied "That's my pet swan." She then skipped happily away to play in the sand and the man fell asleep Later he woke up in hospital with severe pain around his groin the whole area wrapped in bandages Utterly confused he turns and notices the same girl is sitting by his bed with her mother "I'm very sorry," said the little girl "but I went to play with your pet swan but it spat at me so I broke its neck smashed its eggs and set light to its nest." 95 There was an old man from Harrow Who tried to have sex with a sparrow The sparrow said "No you can't have a go as the hole in my arse is too narrow." 108 A guy goes into the doctor's and explains that he has a cricket ball suck up his ass "How's that?" says the doctor "Don't you bloody start!" 109 Two fat blokes in the pub "Your round." says one The other says "So are you you fat bastard." 110 There was a young girl from Australia Who thought all dicks were a failure So she lay on her back and opened her crack and in backed a lorry and trailer 111 Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 2 seater Cessna aircraft crashed into a cemetery Irish search and rescue workers have recovered over 780 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night 112 Why did the turkey cross the motorway? To prove he wasn't chicken. Joke 56 Patient to : “How much to get my teeth straightened?” “Twenty thousand bucks” Patient heads for the door to patient: “Where are you going?” “To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent.” Joke 57 Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? : With pain $200 and without pain $100 Patient: Well without pain it’s cheaper Pull it WITHOUT pain Without anesthesia neither anything the begins to extract the tooth when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!! Hey WITH pain it costs $200 !!! replies the Joke 58 What’s worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? Having your tell you Joke 59 A patient asked the if it wasn’t nasty to be all the day with the hands in someone’s mouth The answered “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.” 57 There was a lady sitting at the bar and every time she wanted a drink she would raise her arm She seemed to have an awful lot of hair under her armpit and the barman was finding it quite revolting and tioned this to a man also sitting at the bar saying that the next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink One minute later she said "Bartender Bartender get me another drink."The barman refused but the man sitting there said "Oh go on give the poor ballerina another drink." The barman was intrigued and asked the man how he knew she was a ballerina to which he replied "Well anyone that can lift their leg that high must be a ballerina!" 58 One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench having a gossip when this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed at them The first lady had a stroke as did the second but the third one was too far away. 66 Did you hear the blind skunk? It fell in love with a fart 67 Two old ladies are at the movies: "Psst!" says one old lady "I think the guy next to me is having a wank." "What makes you think that?" "He's using my hand." 68 A man goes to his doctor for an eye examination They were talking as the doctor was examining his eyes and in the middle of their conversation the doctor casually said "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replied "Why doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor said "No but you've been upsetting the other patients. 49 A man is hitch-hiking up the dual carriageway when a lorry stops for him As he climbs into the cab he notices a monkey sitting on the dashboard After chatting for a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for The driver says "I'll show you." He hits the monkey very hard with the back of his hand sending the poor creature rolling across the cab The monkey picks itself up and disappears between the drivers legs unzips his jeans pulls out the driver's willy and proceeds to give him a blow job Afterwards the monkey gets some tissues cleans the driver up zips it all back and jumps back up on the dashboard "See that?" said the trucker "Yeah bloody amazing!" says the man Then trucker asks the him "Do you want to give it a try?" The man says "OK but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey " 7 An Arabian man and his friend were on an expedition across the desert but he needed some advice when they finally reached a waterhole "I just can't seem to get my camel to drink any water," he explained "and it's a long way to the next waterhole and I'm worried it'll die of thirst if it doesn't drink now." "O K " said the other "I'll show you what to do Bring the camel over here and I'll hold its head in the water Now you put your lips around its ass and suck hard that'll draw the water up just fine." So the guy starts sucking as hard as he can but there's a problem: "Hang on," he says coughing and spluttering "the camel's head must be too deep in the water the mud's started coming through." 80 I invited an old whore to tea and as we were discussing her fee She gave me a shock when she pulled out her cock And announced she would fuck me for free 81 A kindergarten class had a homework assignt to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day When the time came to present what they'd found the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down again Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was "It's a period." said the little boy "Well OK I can see that now," she said "but what's so exciting a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy "but this morning my 14 year old sister was missing one Dad had a heart attack Mum fainted and the man next door shot himself."